grief

what exactly is grief, is it an emotion? a mental state that induces pity in others? a kind of lament for someone dear to you who had passed away? does everybody feel this particular emotion? is it even part of the makeup of a normal human being? what IS the definition of a normal human being anyway?

i don't know, i don't know if i'm normal. i don't know if normal people treat the passing of loved ones without a tear or even genuine remorse. you see people crying in funerals, but some of them are just watching the proceedings, seemingly emotionless in their stance. what's the difference? love? the amount of time you've spent with a person? how you feel about them?

maybe i'm not the one to judge, all i've lost so far are my 2 grandpas, who were already old when i was born, and died when i was around 16 and 20. i was even there during my grandpa's last moments on earth, watched the doctors try to resuscitate him, called my uncle to tell him to hurry to the hospital, watched my grandma cry and my aunt console her. i just watched until the end, when the doctors shook their heads, said the usual platitudes and left us alone with the body. i even watched my uncle, the eldest, cry at his bedside when he got there. and i didn't really feel anything, except a seemingly general grief, that i should at least have a semblance of it to feel like i belonged there.

and i don't know how i should feel if someone else close to me dies. i tried to imagine it and there's no real simulation of the feeling of loss when i do. maybe because i know i won't really feel anything.

i don't know what set me on this morbid track today, must be the weather, and the fact that after a torturous session of massaging my head and throat, my sinus still feels like there's a ton of crap in them.