repressed normality


Php 100,000!!!

just a question for the xmas season....

if you had Php 100,000 what would you spend it on? please, no typical answers like a laptop, cellphone, or mp3 players, malamang meron na kayo nun diba? hehe.

personally i'd go for a dslr system, probably a D80 with 18-200vr lens. :)

so what about you?


water problems in an island country

one of the staples of a supposedly civilized country has again been neglected by our esteemed government. this is, of course, that very necessary substance in which we need to survive, other than air, and that is water. this arose out of someone in our hydro power plant noticing that the water level is a bit lower than average, who then proceeded to shut down waterflow to one of the main water companies in which our house is connected to, and who supplies water to tens of thousands of other homes.

now these two utility companies are playing the blaming game of who should take the blame for the UNANNOUNCED water shortage. yes that is supposed to be capitalized, because the warning is a very necessary thing, it makes us conserve water, it means we can prepare our barrels and giant water bottles, it means that we don't have to go around the metro looking for water like nomads of old looking for an oasis. and yes, it is damned inconvenient.

of course if we're looking at the macro picture, i doubt that anyone would have faith in a government who can't even adequately provide its citizens with a sufficient water supply. and who would rather throw money around than do something useful and which shows the slightest bit of foresight, like improving our water dam, which overflows every rainy season, and dries up after, like fixing up its education, which produces high school graduates who can hardly add or recite their abc's.

there's just a lot of things wrong with this country, especially when one of the only things we can feel proud about it is our great pugilist Manny Pacquiao, 3 cheers for manny! woohoo! too bad though your return had to coincide with the water shortage, or is it related? hmm...


car crashes and random destructiveness

sometimes i catch myself wondering what it would be like to be involved in a major car crash, a head-on collision at 50km/h or more. do i get thrown out the window since i almost never wear a seat belt? or do i crash into the steering wheel, pulverizing my ribs and chest? do my legs break against the front of the car? in all probability, it would be an instant death and i'll never really know what happened.

the only reason i haven't done it is the thought of the hassle if i ever survive, or the anguish of my grandma whether i die or not. coz, its different you know, from your parents who have almost given up hope on you ever making anything of yourself, to the optimism of a grandparent for their grandchildren, sometimes i think that's the only reason i still try, coz i don't want to dissappoint my grandma, coz she's the one who still has hope for me, even when i keep none for myself.

i wonder what would happen when she passes, when the only thing that would keep me from sinking even deeper into despair would be... i don't know, i can't really think of anything that important to me anymore. everything seems to be just a fleeting fancy, something to occupy a few days of my life, and then they pass.

which is probably why i can't argue for whatever i want in my life when i try to discuss it with someone, coz i know the feeling won't last, and that it wouldn't really mean much to me in the long run. i can't say anything with conviction, coz i don't have it in me to put so much of myself into something.

been feeling even more irrational lately, irrational enough to stand up to my friends and be alienated, and be alone. even though i like being alone, i like being alone with my books, just so i can live vicariously through them, and pretend that i'm going on a quest, for something i believe in, and that the quest is more important to me than anything else.

like the opening line of the movie Troy, where it says of being remembered, "will our actions echo across the centuries, will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved." it seems so much more interesting than this mundane world we lived in, to be alive in a world of heroes, even if it is just through words.




what exactly is grief, is it an emotion? a mental state that induces pity in others? a kind of lament for someone dear to you who had passed away? does everybody feel this particular emotion? is it even part of the makeup of a normal human being? what IS the definition of a normal human being anyway?

i don't know, i don't know if i'm normal. i don't know if normal people treat the passing of loved ones without a tear or even genuine remorse. you see people crying in funerals, but some of them are just watching the proceedings, seemingly emotionless in their stance. what's the difference? love? the amount of time you've spent with a person? how you feel about them?

maybe i'm not the one to judge, all i've lost so far are my 2 grandpas, who were already old when i was born, and died when i was around 16 and 20. i was even there during my grandpa's last moments on earth, watched the doctors try to resuscitate him, called my uncle to tell him to hurry to the hospital, watched my grandma cry and my aunt console her. i just watched until the end, when the doctors shook their heads, said the usual platitudes and left us alone with the body. i even watched my uncle, the eldest, cry at his bedside when he got there. and i didn't really feel anything, except a seemingly general grief, that i should at least have a semblance of it to feel like i belonged there.

and i don't know how i should feel if someone else close to me dies. i tried to imagine it and there's no real simulation of the feeling of loss when i do. maybe because i know i won't really feel anything.

i don't know what set me on this morbid track today, must be the weather, and the fact that after a torturous session of massaging my head and throat, my sinus still feels like there's a ton of crap in them.

i am irritable

most of the time, i think. i'm annoyed by grammatical errors, except for errors in capitalization, which i hardly follow anyway, but with everything else in general. i'm annoyed with overbearing parents, overkind-to-female-students teachers, oversensitive females, and a host of other things which i can't be bothered to remember.

this isn't really indicative of my nature, since i hardly show my irritation anyway, until provoked or until i can't keep it in anymore, in which it seeps out through small corners of my personality. unfortunately, the targets of these lapses are those people who actually engage me in conversation, which happens to be my friends. i know they deserve better but sometimes it just spurts out as some kind of direct attack at them. its not all that serious, and i didn't mean anything by it, its just letting off steam.

of course, the main thing that really gets me boiling is being accused of something i didn't do. especially when what i said is misconstrued to be something else. sometimes i speak in double entrendees as a joke, but sometimes i'm just saying what comes to mind without thinking of how else it could be interpreted. maybe i really should pay attention, but my head's been hurting for the past month and that's making me waspish. if you'll put it against me then fine, i can take a little hatred going my way, since my life is sadly lacking in any passion or emotion, so a bit of hate would be welcome too. of course i'd much prefer passionate love, but in the absence of it i'll take any emotion i can get.

living vicariously through other people has its benefits too.


on dreams and passions

mom's been regalling me with stories about the daughter of one of our suppliers, who has been hired by a major american bank and is now earning $150 an hour, after only a month or so in the company. it's probably an extension of her motive of making me jobhunt every single company on the face of the earth, which isn't really a bad thing, God knows i've been wanting out of the family office ever since i started here.

the main obstacle has always been that i don't know what i want to do. sure there are some things i'm good at, unfortunately, they're mostly unquantifiable and unsellable(is this a word) skills. like writing in a sarcastic sort of tone, fixing computer problems through sheer trial and error, making the occasional paragraph for a friend's thesis, playing computer games, wallowing in glorious self-pity, having 1 single good photo out of hundreds of mediocre ones, stuff like that. i also have pretty good city driving skills(which would make me a suitable taxi driver, except i only have specific areas that i'm good at).

if college is any indication, i have little to no aptitude for programming, have less than considerable artistic inclination, am terribly indecisive, hardly a leader, and have little interpersonal skills, which means that an honest resume would ensure that no PR department of any major international company would even remotely consider me as a potential applicant, except for that teeny fact that i graduated from one of the top universities(according to local standards, i don't think my school is recognized internationally).

sigh, i have the urge to write one of these self-pitying articles whenever i'm pushed to look for a job. of course, the fact that no one can really refute these claims means that i will probably be stuck in this hellhole for the rest of my life, barring financial ruin or riches(which i doubt since aforementioned qualities make it highly unlikely that i would succeed if ever this office becomes mine).


new post!

hmm... haven't posted in a while, and haven't posted anything about the supertyphoon that ripped through our country like a... hurricane! lolz.

ok. me, being the adventurous, reckless and senseless type, would of course have to be in the middle of the experience.... not. well, yes i was out of the house during the time that the typhoon hit hardest, but it wasn't by choice. we had these vietnamese visitors who were taking a look at one of our machines that my dad wanted to sell, and we treated them to chinese food, and guess who was 'asked' to tag along.

so there we were eating, making corny jokes and slandering our own country when we happened to look out the window of the resto to see.... nothing. it was all white! except that it doesn't snow in this country and mist is incredibly rare, so basically what we were seeing were water droplets being driven around by incredibly strong winds to produce... whiteness, and drenched security guards trying to keep the door of the restaurant closed against the wind. fortunately the really strong part of the storm only lasted for around 2 hours, which we spent inside the generator-run restaurant eating and drinking. so after that we were on our way back to the factory, only we had to make a lot of detours to avoid trees which were leaning 45 degrees over the road, branches in the middle of the road, electric poles with less than 70 degrees of inclination, fallen antennas, random signposts, and all the assorted debris that befits the passing of a natural disaster.

fasttrack to the present. our government is now debating on the safety concerns of giant billboards, mainly because one of them fell on a bus, killing a few people. of course, we didn't really hear anything about all those trees that were uprooted. i wish people would count those trees with the casualty lists, they're living things too.

and yes i suddenly lost the thread of thought there at the end, but it just pops into my head.

oh yeah, i have an SLR! borrowed from auntie dearest, so expect a few more pictures than is usual for me. i do have a flickr account, and a multiply account anyway. its gonna be in my links one of these days.