car crashes and random destructiveness

sometimes i catch myself wondering what it would be like to be involved in a major car crash, a head-on collision at 50km/h or more. do i get thrown out the window since i almost never wear a seat belt? or do i crash into the steering wheel, pulverizing my ribs and chest? do my legs break against the front of the car? in all probability, it would be an instant death and i'll never really know what happened.

the only reason i haven't done it is the thought of the hassle if i ever survive, or the anguish of my grandma whether i die or not. coz, its different you know, from your parents who have almost given up hope on you ever making anything of yourself, to the optimism of a grandparent for their grandchildren, sometimes i think that's the only reason i still try, coz i don't want to dissappoint my grandma, coz she's the one who still has hope for me, even when i keep none for myself.

i wonder what would happen when she passes, when the only thing that would keep me from sinking even deeper into despair would be... i don't know, i can't really think of anything that important to me anymore. everything seems to be just a fleeting fancy, something to occupy a few days of my life, and then they pass.

which is probably why i can't argue for whatever i want in my life when i try to discuss it with someone, coz i know the feeling won't last, and that it wouldn't really mean much to me in the long run. i can't say anything with conviction, coz i don't have it in me to put so much of myself into something.

been feeling even more irrational lately, irrational enough to stand up to my friends and be alienated, and be alone. even though i like being alone, i like being alone with my books, just so i can live vicariously through them, and pretend that i'm going on a quest, for something i believe in, and that the quest is more important to me than anything else.

like the opening line of the movie Troy, where it says of being remembered, "will our actions echo across the centuries, will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved." it seems so much more interesting than this mundane world we lived in, to be alive in a world of heroes, even if it is just through words.

sigh.